Straight from the Heart

The downward shape your eyes mold to as glass drops fall from the soul. Such a unique form they take, as they display such intense emotions. You can’t hold them, or roll them back to where they came from. Inevitably they seep from their hiding place. No mercy is given. You can’t hold them back when you desperately wish they wouldn’t display your hurt; your heartache. Sometimes they are Tears of sadness. Tears of fear. Tears of loneliness. Tears of Desperation. But sometimes it isn’t the heartache you’re hiding. Sometimes they are Tears of hope. Tears of the future. Tears of Bliss. Tears of
Joy.

Cry for those you love, even though they won’t love you back. Cry for those who you wish you could love. Cry for those you shy away from out of insecurities. Cry for yourself. Sometimes those tears you shed show the immense beauty of your soul. Comparable to the beautiful, and sensational gardens among your dreams. Comparable to the glorious sky holding the brilliance of the stars that shine above us all. Comparable to the child who, while learning, smiles as he discovers the remarkable elements of this earth; of life; of love.

Let yourself feel from scalp to the very end of your toes. Let yourself feel with all your senses the loveliness this world has to offer. Remember he who allowed it all. Within his beauty lies the rest: The world to uncover, to live and love within. He completes us all despite those unruly, or even exquisite pieces of the world. You cannot hide him from yourself, and don’t keep him hidden within your soul. Let his brilliance radiate through your eyes. Let the smile of your content state exhibit his truth, his love, and his undoubtedly pure spirit. He is the key to us all. Do not lose him within everything else. He is the deepest growing root within you and I. We exist, we breathe, we live, and we will someday pass on because of him – to be with him.

Yeah, so one day I was just tying in my "journal" , and all that came out..... so .... that's all!

Teri, "Met the Parents"

It was Saturday, and honestly I was in "one of her moods again" (Ever After). It was a kind of depressing, ... "Why?" day. Most of the day had been like this... when after playing softball with Matt, I went to my apartment and just layed there in my bed. Dorothy yelled, "Teri, Phoneee...!" I popped up, and ran to answer it. It was Matt. "Hey Teri, I just found out that my family and I aren't going to play volleyball tonight because my brother sprained his ankle. So, we're going to play games at my parents hotel instead if you want to come. " Me, being in the mood I was in, for various reasons thought... wow... I want to go, but I look so blah, and I"m not in the mood to be bubbly and appealing to the parents of the boy that I am dating. Oh great! So I hesitated... " Umm.. when are you going?........(pause)....... What time is it now?.......(pause)......... Ummm... Sure." It's not that I didn't want to meet Matt's parents. I remember so long ago, close to Thanksgiving, I wished that I could meet Matt's parents. His mom had seemed like the type that was just sooo excited to know about her kid's dating life, and all the fun details of it. That idea just seemed so comfortable to me. You know how I am. I love to hear the juicy details of peoples dates, and their crushes, and their soon to be fiance's, or possibly husbands. I don't always like to admit this, but one summer of boredom between jobs I faithfully watched a Dating Story... plus, A Makeover Story. I suffered withdrawals if I happened to miss an episode. I know I know, shhhhh... keep it on the low down k. But it's true.

Anyways, So, I tried to make myself look a little better than I felt at the time. Matt arrived when he said he would, and then we gathered everyone who was coming. We were off! It was somewhat amusing because earlier I had talked to Mandy, Matt's sister. I was playing basketball and as she walked by and saw me playing she said , " Oh, Teri, We're going to be playing games tonight. My mom is dying to meet you. She's like ' when am I going to meet this girl?' So you should come." I felt a little hurt at that time due to a few facts, and one being that I really didn't think Matt would invite me to meet them. So I responded with something to the affect that I'd love to meet your parents, but we'll just have to see I guess... Anyways. So we arrive at the Best Western hotel where they were staying. I wasn't all that nervous before, but it was starting to rush in. We walked in the doors, then Nick starts telling of his horrifying experience of when he was interrogated by Keri's parents. Uh oh... I thought.... Scary. Then we got to their door. Someone knocked, the door opened, and their stood his mom. She said hello, but she said something to the affect of "Why didn't you go to the other door?" So after she said this, my not knowing what the heck she was talking about, saw another door to the outside and thought "Are you serious? We're all going to come in the 'Other' door? THe other 'Outside door? What for?, Umm... this is wierd." But, I, not knowing about the room they had, wasn't aware they had two doors to their room: One leading to the living room, and one leading to the bedroom. Hahaha, I was very relieved that his mom wasn't insane like I initially thought.

We all walk in the 'Other' door, and we just kind of stood there. I panicked hoping someone would just take care of my awkwardness, and was quite relieved when Matt's dad came and shook my hand, and then his mom came and said, "Hi! Well, I know Matt isn't going to introduce you, so Hi!" It was amusing. She said to sit down, so I made my way to the couch. I basically had first dibs, so I chose the couch, next to the arm rest. It was an excellent choice I must say. The arm rest seat is Usually an excellent choice. The games begin, and I began to feel more and more comfortable. One thing I notice that I was totally slakcing in the knowing when it was my turn department. Matt's Dad would always let me know when it was my turn, and I was hoping so much he wasn't judging me abilities, and getting annoyed. Oh yes, I especially liked Matt's dad's laugh. I don't really understand how someone can make that noise, but it was happy. And then I noticed that Kyle (the bro.) and Mandy had a similar laugh. I've already told Matt all this, but I think he has his mom's nose. I think because I'm kind of shy when it comes to these situations, I tend to notice the wierd details that really don't matter, when I should really be paying attention to the conversation going on. His parents only asked a few questions, but it wasn't bad at all. Mandy's boyfriend was there, so it was pretty fair. They'd ask him a question, so then I'd be prepared to have my own answer to the same question. Haha, I make it sound so... strange, but it wasn't at all.

Then the game ended. Matt brought out Kyle's Sketch Book, and went to show Nick. Diane (Matt's mom) came and sat over in the chair closest to me. She was so incredibly nice, and concerned for me. She made sure that I eventually saw the notebook. THen when people were looking at pictures, she made sure that Mandy showed them to me too. Then when we left,everyone came outside to say goodbye... (and have a snowball fight)... I again, sorry, but being in the mood I was, I didn't feel like getting my hands wet and freezing. Diane came and stood by me and made a little small talk. She said, "You'll have to come and see Arizona. You've never been there right?" THen I explained that I had once, and I fell in love with the palm trees. I told her I had lots of family there in Tucson..sp??? I wanted to tell her so much more, because she seemed somewhat interested, but it was time to go.

Overall, it really couldn't have gone any smoother really. They are really nice people. If I could change something, I would have been more comfortable talking, and contributing to the conversation. Oh well. I didn't talk to his dad much at all... in fact, I don't know that I did at all besides the "Hi, nice to meet you." And the only words said to his brother were probably... "Oh, is it my turn?" or "Here ya go." because he seemed to be having a lot of trouble reaching his cards, and the pile. But, within the 3 or 4 hours that I did get to meet them, they seemed like the kind of people I would love to get to know even better. I'm really glad I Did go, and I Did meet them.

Well, that's my story for now. Guess What!??! My computer will be home most likely Next Week!!! Yahoooooooo!!! Back home, And Working that is! Sweet! Hahha, today I tried to explain to Heoishuk what slang was, and I used "Sweet" as an example. I don't think I know what I'm doing when I'm trying to teach her english all that much, but hopefully our time together is Somewhat helpful!

Alrighty, I've procrastinated studying Humanities as much as I possibly could. I must go! Goodbye!

"Dazed and Confused"

Well, If I recall, the actual movie "Dazed and Confused" looked like it was about a bunch of hippies on Marijuana wearing too much tie die. Sorry friends, that may have been much more entertaining to hear about if it had correlated to my life. But, this blog is about my utter confusion these days. I'm just going to let it all out. "Better out than in I always say". hehehe, anyways.

So let me see. It is currently the 3rd day of spring, which means winter semester will be over in about a month right? Right-e-o mate. I'm so excited for school to be out and for the long summer days to begin. But, I don't have a clue what I'm going to do with all my time.

"Hmm...", I think. "Where am I going to find a full-time job?" "ohh.. but I love my job, and the people that I work with, I just hate my hours and the days I work." I continue to think.. "Maybe, they'll let me come back in the fall when school starts again." "But, what if they don't?" "No more free hair products for Teri??? Bummer!"
And further thinking, " Man, full-time again? THat's a bummer. I'll miss out on most of the great hours of sunlight working in some office possibly, answering phone calls, wishing I could somehow make a fortune for the next school year by waking up late, lounging by the water, and eating Otter Pops most of the day." Wow, that would be nice. Actually, I'd probably get bored, but we could mix it up a bit right? One day we could play tennis ... and then eat Otter Pops. Another day we could play softball... and then eat Otter Pops. Anyways, work is always a stress. I don't know who doesn't get too stressed out about it all, but maybe it'll help with the intensity of it all.

Well, then recently Chelsee has been trying to convince me to move into "University Villa". I already signed a contract for Spring/Summer AND Fall/Winter with Campus Plaza, and I'm not getting kind of stressed out about what I actually want! What do I do? Do I stay in campus plaza in S301 where I decided to move into. Kimi isn't going to move back into Campus Plaza at all, and if Dorothy can sell her contract she's leaving too. I"ll be with a whole new set of complete strangers, one being Nick's sister. I'm kind of nervous about that, because Nick keeps telling me how excited he is for his sister to move in with me. I'm afraid he's talking me up, and then she'll be like "ahhh... she's actually not allll that great Nick. She isn't the master chef you make her to be, and she's a slob. Not to mention she looks somewhat similar to Frankenstein when she wakes up." hahhaa, uh oh.

Oh, and another huge thing in my head, Well, he isn't huge by any means.. he's incredibly thin if you ask me, is Matt. Haha, for some odd reason the other day I thought of a new funny nickname for him. I think I should call him 'Matty Cakes'... it just sounds so amusing to me. Say it outloud. Funny eh? Anyways, Matt is on my mind. Let me be 100% honest with you. I don't know what's going on with us. I don't think he does either. Therefore, neither one of us knows what we're doing. Which leads to total, mass confusion in one's mind. Meaning my mind. I don't know what all is on Matt's mind, but I often think I'm not one of those things usually. I wish I knew, but I don't. Matt is most likely near his max of stress right now due to school, and probably other things. Which to me, would be all too overwhelming I think. So, I could kind of see how thinking about other things would be too stressful. But, even though this may be the case, it's still confusing... and time is running out. Oh man, there are so many details within' this aspect of confusion that I think would be great to talk to Matt about to just clear up, but I sometimes don't know how to have that conversation anymore.... too many failed attempts I suppose next to diminishes one's confidence sometimes. Besides that though, I have spent close to a year being around this boy, nearly every day (with a few exceptions). You learn a lot about a person in that time, and especially about yourself. Man, sometimes I have a blast with that boy, and sometimes some pretty darn things happen. I don't have a clear example for you, but I do know that often times I find myself laughing for real. You know, that full hearted gutish laugh where you can't breath for a while, and then when you do you make this incredibly awkward noise. Hahaha, I hate that. But yet I love it, cause I know I'm truely having a good time when it happens. Or maybe I just had the hiccups ... anyways. The boy is an incredibly hard worker, even though he doesn't necessarily want to do things all the time. He manages to get the job done in time anyways. I really admire that. It's sometimes so hard for me to do, but when I see him doing it, i think "hey, you should do that. That's a pretty sweet trait." And then he has his hobbies that he's pretty much amazing at. Photography and Volleyball I would say are his favorites, and then he's into music, biking, hiking, and no one knows, but he's good at sketching. Aren't you Matt? It's true, just believe me. Anyways, my heart feels like it's twisting in too many ways right now.

Then say things didn't work out. I am the type of person who will probably have a hard time with this... being that I've grown to love a person... But. The major concern, is that if I have a contract with Campus Plaza in the Summer and Fall, I'm most definately going to be seeing Matt around at church and most church functions. My curious mind will probably keep tabs for much too long. I remember when I broke up with this kid in High School, I couldn't help but be too interested in who he wanted to date, and eventually would date. I wasn't stalkerish by any means, but when people would talk about it my ears would open about 100% more to hear the scoop. And then I would dwell on it all. How pathetic eh? I know.

Plus, the other lameness of the contract deal would be that I'd live with Nick's sister. And then I don't know... It all just seems too connected.. From me - to Nick's sister Ashley. THen from Ashley - to Nick. Then from Nick - to Matt. Then from Matt to - well... then, if it were the case, it wouldn't be me anymore... which is awkward. I don't know...

Maybe I'm just worrying about a lot of unecessary things, but I truely feel like I need clarification to be happy in moving in some kind of forward direction. Right now I don't know what that direction is, and that's what is the most frusterating thing of all. I've been trying to figure it out.. but I sometimes doubt the "feelings" that come to mind when I try. The feeling says to wait things out, and stay in Campus Plaza... but I wonder sometimes if that's just me telling myself these things...? I dont' know. "O be wise, what more can I say."

Well, I think I'll write about my lovely meeting of Matt's family now. Maybe no one will see this post. That is Quite, Quite all right. Just writing it all out did enough, and I feel quite relieved. All my thoughts... when almost all of my thoughts are lying, vulnerably, out on the table now. There are no secrets my friends.

Okay, I'm sorry to those who actually do read this. I hate proof reading things sometimes.... and I was just writing whatever my mind and heart felt like. So, I'm sorry for any annoyances caused. Ü

Have a Wonderfully blissfull and happy Wednesday! Ü

An Excerpt From My Mind

Well, I suppose it may in fact be time for a new blog. Since don't have anything really in particular to write about, I'll just say mostly whatever comes to mind.

Well, Okay, one of the top things on my mind is that school is ending here pretty quick! Sweet! A part of me is so excited for summer and spring to come, and then another part of me is terrified. Yes. It's true. Terrified. I'm excited for days that almost seem endless, with the sun's glow until somewhere around 9:00p.m. Ahhhhh... it'll be nice. Then, there is playing in the water. Now that my parents are here, hopefully they'll find a near by favorite lake to play at. Ahhh... Water Skiing, and jumping off the boat in the Middle of the lake... Oh man.
I need to tell you about all this good stuff we'd do in Montana. Man, I'm missing it already.So. I used to work at this place called "Gates of the Mountains". It was a personal business, but known for it's tourists from all over the world. It was fantastic. People would come from all over the world to see these waters, and canyons. They would take this ferry ride, while the tour guide told of the ancient past within the caves and canyons. One year I worked their selling tickets. I sat in this booth and answered various questions, slid their credit cards through the machine, waited.... and waited.... and waited... until finally it'd go through. Then, that group would go and for probably an hour to an hour and a half I'd just hang out and help people in the gift shop. It was so much fun the first year. My friend Geni worked there, and she absolutely crazy. But it sure did make work more enjoyable to hear the crazy plans and pranks she'd done, or had yet to carry out. She was basically the class clown... but in a good way. It was almost her goal: to be Capital High School's Class Clown of 2005. She most definitely succeeded. You can check the records. It's just too bad that won't say all the things she did. But, that'd take another whole 10 pages. So I'm going to have to pass.
(Back to the rest of the story) So, being that I worked at "The Gates" my dad soon fell in love with the scenery, as did mom. They had mountain goats, Indian paintings, deer, all kinds of birds (I think I saw an eagle once.... or at least that's what I convinced myself it was), I never saw a bear, but I'm sure they were there.... I'm definitely not complaining though. Sometimes we'd bring all kinds of food to picnic with: hot dogs, burgers, chips, cookies.... you know, the unhealthy camping foods that are just a must! Then we'd just soak up the beauty around us, while enjoying the company of friends and family.
I'm feeling a bit nostalgic at the moment. I don't see too many lakes here ever, so most of the swimming and playing in water that I do here is at Debbies pool... or maybe if I'm brave, at campus plaza. I absolutely love that too, don't get me wrong! But, I still miss a few things about Montana life. Now wouldn't this be great... If maybe I could combine all the great people that I know here, and then move you all to Montana. That'd mean we'd probably have to move BYU... and all kinds of things... we could take probably a hundred churches with us and you'd still see them on almost every corner.
Well, I should probably head to my next class. Woot.... :0( On to take a test. It shouldn't be difficult...well hopefully not anyways. Well... I'm would apologize for the long, random blog I just wrote, but I'm quite happy with the memories that came flooding back. If only you could all see it. Some day maybe, when I catch up to y'all, I'll put pictures on this blog as well.