"Dazed and Confused"

Well, If I recall, the actual movie "Dazed and Confused" looked like it was about a bunch of hippies on Marijuana wearing too much tie die. Sorry friends, that may have been much more entertaining to hear about if it had correlated to my life. But, this blog is about my utter confusion these days. I'm just going to let it all out. "Better out than in I always say". hehehe, anyways.

So let me see. It is currently the 3rd day of spring, which means winter semester will be over in about a month right? Right-e-o mate. I'm so excited for school to be out and for the long summer days to begin. But, I don't have a clue what I'm going to do with all my time.

"Hmm...", I think. "Where am I going to find a full-time job?" "ohh.. but I love my job, and the people that I work with, I just hate my hours and the days I work." I continue to think.. "Maybe, they'll let me come back in the fall when school starts again." "But, what if they don't?" "No more free hair products for Teri??? Bummer!"
And further thinking, " Man, full-time again? THat's a bummer. I'll miss out on most of the great hours of sunlight working in some office possibly, answering phone calls, wishing I could somehow make a fortune for the next school year by waking up late, lounging by the water, and eating Otter Pops most of the day." Wow, that would be nice. Actually, I'd probably get bored, but we could mix it up a bit right? One day we could play tennis ... and then eat Otter Pops. Another day we could play softball... and then eat Otter Pops. Anyways, work is always a stress. I don't know who doesn't get too stressed out about it all, but maybe it'll help with the intensity of it all.

Well, then recently Chelsee has been trying to convince me to move into "University Villa". I already signed a contract for Spring/Summer AND Fall/Winter with Campus Plaza, and I'm not getting kind of stressed out about what I actually want! What do I do? Do I stay in campus plaza in S301 where I decided to move into. Kimi isn't going to move back into Campus Plaza at all, and if Dorothy can sell her contract she's leaving too. I"ll be with a whole new set of complete strangers, one being Nick's sister. I'm kind of nervous about that, because Nick keeps telling me how excited he is for his sister to move in with me. I'm afraid he's talking me up, and then she'll be like "ahhh... she's actually not allll that great Nick. She isn't the master chef you make her to be, and she's a slob. Not to mention she looks somewhat similar to Frankenstein when she wakes up." hahhaa, uh oh.

Oh, and another huge thing in my head, Well, he isn't huge by any means.. he's incredibly thin if you ask me, is Matt. Haha, for some odd reason the other day I thought of a new funny nickname for him. I think I should call him 'Matty Cakes'... it just sounds so amusing to me. Say it outloud. Funny eh? Anyways, Matt is on my mind. Let me be 100% honest with you. I don't know what's going on with us. I don't think he does either. Therefore, neither one of us knows what we're doing. Which leads to total, mass confusion in one's mind. Meaning my mind. I don't know what all is on Matt's mind, but I often think I'm not one of those things usually. I wish I knew, but I don't. Matt is most likely near his max of stress right now due to school, and probably other things. Which to me, would be all too overwhelming I think. So, I could kind of see how thinking about other things would be too stressful. But, even though this may be the case, it's still confusing... and time is running out. Oh man, there are so many details within' this aspect of confusion that I think would be great to talk to Matt about to just clear up, but I sometimes don't know how to have that conversation anymore.... too many failed attempts I suppose next to diminishes one's confidence sometimes. Besides that though, I have spent close to a year being around this boy, nearly every day (with a few exceptions). You learn a lot about a person in that time, and especially about yourself. Man, sometimes I have a blast with that boy, and sometimes some pretty darn things happen. I don't have a clear example for you, but I do know that often times I find myself laughing for real. You know, that full hearted gutish laugh where you can't breath for a while, and then when you do you make this incredibly awkward noise. Hahaha, I hate that. But yet I love it, cause I know I'm truely having a good time when it happens. Or maybe I just had the hiccups ... anyways. The boy is an incredibly hard worker, even though he doesn't necessarily want to do things all the time. He manages to get the job done in time anyways. I really admire that. It's sometimes so hard for me to do, but when I see him doing it, i think "hey, you should do that. That's a pretty sweet trait." And then he has his hobbies that he's pretty much amazing at. Photography and Volleyball I would say are his favorites, and then he's into music, biking, hiking, and no one knows, but he's good at sketching. Aren't you Matt? It's true, just believe me. Anyways, my heart feels like it's twisting in too many ways right now.

Then say things didn't work out. I am the type of person who will probably have a hard time with this... being that I've grown to love a person... But. The major concern, is that if I have a contract with Campus Plaza in the Summer and Fall, I'm most definately going to be seeing Matt around at church and most church functions. My curious mind will probably keep tabs for much too long. I remember when I broke up with this kid in High School, I couldn't help but be too interested in who he wanted to date, and eventually would date. I wasn't stalkerish by any means, but when people would talk about it my ears would open about 100% more to hear the scoop. And then I would dwell on it all. How pathetic eh? I know.

Plus, the other lameness of the contract deal would be that I'd live with Nick's sister. And then I don't know... It all just seems too connected.. From me - to Nick's sister Ashley. THen from Ashley - to Nick. Then from Nick - to Matt. Then from Matt to - well... then, if it were the case, it wouldn't be me anymore... which is awkward. I don't know...

Maybe I'm just worrying about a lot of unecessary things, but I truely feel like I need clarification to be happy in moving in some kind of forward direction. Right now I don't know what that direction is, and that's what is the most frusterating thing of all. I've been trying to figure it out.. but I sometimes doubt the "feelings" that come to mind when I try. The feeling says to wait things out, and stay in Campus Plaza... but I wonder sometimes if that's just me telling myself these things...? I dont' know. "O be wise, what more can I say."

Well, I think I'll write about my lovely meeting of Matt's family now. Maybe no one will see this post. That is Quite, Quite all right. Just writing it all out did enough, and I feel quite relieved. All my thoughts... when almost all of my thoughts are lying, vulnerably, out on the table now. There are no secrets my friends.

Okay, I'm sorry to those who actually do read this. I hate proof reading things sometimes.... and I was just writing whatever my mind and heart felt like. So, I'm sorry for any annoyances caused. Ü

Have a Wonderfully blissfull and happy Wednesday! Ü