This blog is going to be extremely personal. So - if you don't want to know what I'm really thinking - Please, don't read this - and don't feel obligated to comment, express concern, or whatever - I don't have a clue what I'm about to write really... but It's going to be my feelings and thoughts - as honest as they come.
Hehehe - that probably sounded soooo... strange.. .but I don't care. I've realized that I don't enjoy WRITING in my journal much anymore cause I write blogs kind of often, and really I tell most of my stories in them. But, then I still haven't really expressed EXACTLY what I'm thinking in them... so I lack this feeling of "whew, that feels better to have that all out". So I've decided to combine the two - not caring that i'm left 100% vulnerable for people to think whatever they want about me. Oh, another realization that I've come across just today I think - or a complete frusterated understanding of, is that I should really just let my emotions out. Holding them in just makes me even more depressed or anxious or whatever that emotion be.
And onto my feelings.. wow... what a scary word sometimes. Well Honestly - what is on my mind? Right now I'm kind of irritated with myself because I feel like I've been complaining a lot. I feel like I've been sad too often, and then I get mad about that, and that makes me even more sad, cause then I try to control it, but the thoughts just keep coming. It's a viscious cycle. What am I complaining about? 1) Chelsee leaving and moving into University Villa 2) How dead Campus Plaza is right now 3) One "ex-roomate" and the trouble caused when moving out (ahhhhhh... I could complain much Too much!) 4) Mr. Rowberry and how I'm going to "break" it to him 5) Missing the friendship I once had with Matt - wondering if anyone will be able to compare 6) Another roomate and a relationship ............ you see... look at me.... I just go on and on and on... finding things. What is it? I'm not in the early stages of a "bad hair day".... if ya know what I mean, but it'd be so much easier if I was so I could blame it on that.
The dominant feelings I think though in my heart is the lonliness factor. I feel so completely empty when I'm around this Paul fellow. Its so sad. Let me explain the feeling I get. It's that bad feeling like when you're somewhere knowing you didn't want to be there in the first place, and you're wishing you were doing something else, not waisting your time. I don't know that that makes any sense... but I know what I mean, so that's good enough. This Paul fellow, I honest to goodness feel sad for him. We were talking, at the end of the FHE outing ( I refuse to call things I do with him dates... I'm just kind of... there), and he was talking about how he didn't have many friends in highschool.. and in short, after talking this is what I gathered. The boy didn't know how to connect with me - but he thought that with faith - it would be done. He was asking me for ideas of things we could do. I sat there and smiled, not knowing what to do. Should I have broken it to him then, that I really didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment... or at all with him really? Or just wait and see if he's serious about finding something to do... then break it to him. I resorted to the easier for that exact moment. I'm going to wait until he calls or shows up at my door. I've come up with a few different reasons to tell him.
Lately, as in today, while I was going through my stuff while unpacking, I stumbled upon the Box of Doom! Dun Dun DUN, it was the Box that I put absolutely all my Matt stuff in... well except for things on my computer- those would be too painful to look at- I just can't do that right now - plus that would just be even stupider of me! OH well, anyways. My point. I opened it and consequently opened the gates of memory lane. Memory lane is a dangerous place to enter for me. Most often when I do so, I find myself wishing I could experience these memories again. So I came across a certain poem, and numerous nice notes that meant so much, and little knick-knacks that were from certain occasions like our first date, christmas, certain conversations we had.... Ah man it was torture. Then I of course thought about how it all started. I remembered how we used to talk hours upon hours, and I swear back then we were open with eachother really really wanting to know more about the other person, and really connecting. This is how I felt on my end anyways - I suppose I can only speak for myself. Anywho - I remembered how he had basically become my best friend in the summer... through playing games, through our long long chats, through e-mail. I completely opened up to the guy. Then I compared and desperately wondered how I would ever become that good of friends with someone again. In the past when I open up and someone else opened up it was usually because we were tlaking about the relationship of that person and someone else. Then I ended up liking the person and getting too attached emotionally... when the person wasn't really ever interested in me, we were just friends who gave each other advice on our seperate lives. But, with Matt, it was different, because it started just between us... not about something or someone else. My point is that basically we were friends for 3 months before we dated, which then I anticipated becoming more than friends soooo much. But, my thoughts are not many people, if they're looking to date someone, are going to be my friend for 3 months, and get that close before they decide to date. As in Mr.... you know who. I'm not attached in the slightest because we don't have that initial friendship.... anyways.... I could go on and on and on...
But then, tying in with that. I know in the end I didn't tell Matt everything, just cause I didn't think he told me much - viscious cycle of doom I know - but because I was always with him, or around him I consequnetly did tell him a lot. And for the last month, because Matt and I aren't dating anymore, I've gotten to know Chelsee and Kimi much better - and had at least their friendship. But now, they're both gone... I won't ever be as close to them as I was when we were living together, because we don't know exactly what's going on in eachother's lives. I almost feel like Now what? Now what do I do when I'm having all these thoughts about life... I mean, Ideally I should just be satisfied telling the "Big Guy Upstairs" you know. But theres something about having someone who is visible, and you can see them breathing in front of you, knowing they will verbally respond to you after you profess your soul. Really, I know that I just have to get over it all somehow.... I just haven't figured how to do that yet. I know it can be done, it's just hard when you realize the good things you've had - that you no longer have. In my mind, when I thought about that certain friend those emotions were about the beginnging, not thinking about the more recent facts, and then I just wanted so badly to talk to him. But in all actuality, I know it's not like that. I know that for some reason, that I don't know exactly, things are a million times different, that certain someone proabbly would never open up to you like that again because he probably would be even more protective of his feelings now... I mean... In my head, I know I need to do basically just one thing. There is the solution of just getting past it, and making the new friend. Not as a replacement, because that's just not possible, but a new kind of friend. A new, different friendship to give you hope that yes, it is possible to connect with someone, and make new true friends... ( of the opposite sex)... yes, you know what I mean.
Girls are such a different story. They seem to be able to open up much more easily for all kinds of reasons, and thus we seem to be able to communicate and become better friends much more easily.
Anyways. I'm so tired now, I must sleep... that is my current pressing thought, and it's too distracting to carry on with this conversation with myself! :o) Okay, Night-E-O
Crazy Ole' Teri
